Long time. I hope you people are having a great time.
I haven't written anything since ages. Reading Bawa n Dinesh recently inspired me to write more frequently, let us see how far this inspiration goes.
In my last (to last) blog I introduced a super hero (as Vishal has pointed out, and Vishal you should know who He is) who was the first person whom I find absolutely suitable (this is definitely an understatement) for being my ideal.
The first face to face encounter I had with Him is a strange story in itself.
Around 4 o'clock on a fine evening, my mom called me to tell that He was at that moment staying at a place very near to my work place. I was in the mid of a team meeting, but attended to her phone. I generally ignore any calls while in a meeting, but she called twice, so I thought it must be an emergency. At first I decided not to go especially in between work, but then for about 15 minutes I wasn't listening to what my team lead was emphasizing upon and suddenly my mom called yet again just to add one more information, He might leave in 15 minutes. And I rose up.
'I have to go immediately.'
'Is everything alright?'
'Everything's fine.'
A pause. Question mark on every other face and probably also on mine.
'I need to meet our Guruji. He will leave in 15 minutes. I will go back home directly from there. See you guys tomorrow.'
Biplav, my team lead, cleared his throat.
'OK (pause) we will discuss this offline then.'
That was probably most absurd reason for leaving an important meeting and till now I didn't "really" regard Guruji as my Guruji!
Yet in between doubts, mostly mine and question marks, I left my office, paid autowala 40 bucks for a distance less than worth 20 and reached the venue.
There were a variety of people gathered in the lawns of a big Mansion in a posh Delhi locality. Mostly rich satisfied faces, their clothing wonderful, their hairs perfect and also a group of people from a small Uttar Pradesh/Uttaranchal town, I think 30-35 of them. All of us were waiting for Guruji to come down from a first floor room. Though I think everybody had their own reasons to meet, I was still thinking why was I there. I was still thinking why should I meet Him. If at all I happen to meet Him, what will I say? I settled upon just seeing him once, seeing him full length and from a good distance and going back home immediately after that. He was to climb down a stairway. In between the crowd I positioned myself at a comfortable spot from where I can see him climbing down the whole staircase. I kept standing there for about 1-1.5 hours, I had already spent an hour looking at the crowd (so a total of 2 - 2.5 hours without much purpose), wondering about various things and deciding upon what I wanted to do.
Some rich looking and generally old people were allowed to move up the stair case. Lucky ones, everybody around was feeling extraordinarily jealous. I was in no hurry, I was perfectly fine even with not seeing Guruji at all. This thought was more comforting than the thought of meeting him as I had absolutely nothing to do with a meeting. But by that time I definitely wanted to see him at least for 10 seconds. An order came from the room to let all 30 35 people of that small town to come up. Hurray! Yipppeee. People soon started running over each other to climb the stairs. There was a young looking white clad smiling guard on the door leading to the room, who was very politely not allowing people to go in till the final GO comes from inside. The moment GO came, a crowd rushed in and I was taken along by the ruthless devotees and soon that golden gateway was closed.
And there I was, in front of the legend of our times! Wearing all white, looking very tired, dark skin, having concern in his eyes for everybody inside the room. He asked everybody to settle down. I decided to keep standing but at the back and see him all the time I can. I was constantly looking at him. He was talking to people, sometimes smiling, but was looking really tired. Somebody came and felicitated him with a baansoori (flute) and a crown, he very gracefully accepted that and smiled again. He was sitting on a Sofa with his legs folded in vajrasan. People soon stood up, gradually everybody stood, I could not see him any more. I decided to stand in a position where i can see him side-ways. I was constantly looking at him. I don't remember if I ever blinked. Gradually people covered him from both the sides. He started distributing sweets to his beloved followers and asked them politely to leave one by one. I then decided to go forward to collect the prasad. As I came directly in front of him, I sat down and touched his knees. Mann, there was nothing hard like a knee socket, it was as soft as the pillows of a seven star, like finest variety of cotton. He was a thin man. Very thin. I almost drowned in that touch and its softness for I don't remember how long, but I was into that one single slight touch. I was nowhere for some time. Time stopped. Suddenly somebody pushed me and I knew I had to move. He had already given me the prasada when I was nowhere and by the time I came back to my senses, I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what, but something. And out of nowhere, I said "Guruji Ashirwaad" (Give me your blessings) Pointing to the sweets he said "yahi hai ashirwaad" (he was completely exhausted and wanted the crowd to leave) In his gesture he asked me to leave.(i didn't like tat AT All) And I myself not wanting Him to be troubled any more, wanted to leave. But; I didn't want to leave, I wanted to see him more and more. So I decided to wait for strict orders and see him to the maximum length that I can. Probably everybody else was thinking the same. Soon Guruji realized it was an error to call so many people up, all at once and he decided to leave himself. I watched him all through his departure again, till the point he was not visible any more.
In the room itself I ate up all the prasad, completely forgetting that my mom will be too glad to have have that. When I went home everybody was asking for the stories of my victory at "meeting" Guruji, a chance not every tom, dick n harry gets. People from distant places called to know how i felt. I was a victorious heroic figurine for quite some time. Everybody was asking how it felt. Actually I was feeling nothing. All of them thought I am the lucky one who got to meet Guruji after doing just one Art Of Living course. I was not sure. Nor was I too happy to have met Guruji!
In fact all this triggered a train of thoughts. Do I really like him? Is he really worth all the regards everybody has for him. And the bigger question, can he be my ideal?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Yawwnn
2 blogs a month is a poor average I admit. Being a writer is no easy job. You need to start the UPS, then CPU (monitor is always turned by default) and then wait for some computer formalities to finish, sign on and then start writing. Hufff, indeed tiring.
I was busy writing (and preparing for) an exam for a long time, about 1.5 months. Towards the end I JUST wanted it to end, one way or the other. Finally it was over and I was the most happy person down on earth. I was jumping, screaming, full of energy, like I was a child again. 2 days that went immediately after the exam were the most beautiful ones. I realized in order to enjoy those 2 days, I had to go through some of the pains those earlier 90 days had to offer. Simple logic, all of us already know it. Hard Work --> Sweet Success. I decided to extend my enjoyment era, no work only rest. After another 10 days rest went painful again, once again I just wanted it to end, one way or the other. It is neither hard work nor complete rest that make me feel unhappy. Unhappiness comes from the excess of it, all I need is a balance between the two. If one exceeds the limit, I want the other to take over but only for some time and nothing better than a perfectible balance.
As you can see in the first para I am already too much accustomed to rest. It will need some effort and practice to come out of this slumber and I will be ready to write once again about my super hero, the story that I left unfinished last time. Till then wish me luck to come to balance again.
I was busy writing (and preparing for) an exam for a long time, about 1.5 months. Towards the end I JUST wanted it to end, one way or the other. Finally it was over and I was the most happy person down on earth. I was jumping, screaming, full of energy, like I was a child again. 2 days that went immediately after the exam were the most beautiful ones. I realized in order to enjoy those 2 days, I had to go through some of the pains those earlier 90 days had to offer. Simple logic, all of us already know it. Hard Work --> Sweet Success. I decided to extend my enjoyment era, no work only rest. After another 10 days rest went painful again, once again I just wanted it to end, one way or the other. It is neither hard work nor complete rest that make me feel unhappy. Unhappiness comes from the excess of it, all I need is a balance between the two. If one exceeds the limit, I want the other to take over but only for some time and nothing better than a perfectible balance.
As you can see in the first para I am already too much accustomed to rest. It will need some effort and practice to come out of this slumber and I will be ready to write once again about my super hero, the story that I left unfinished last time. Till then wish me luck to come to balance again.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thick And Bold
Arbit ahmmm? Hmmm, yups quite arbit; being at home for the last 15 days, doing nothing but studying. Thinking of nothing but the exam, it’s quite arbit. And what is that Thick And Bold? Though this heading came arbitrarily to my mind, I can now see some logic behind it. Thick is the life and bold is myself who is enjoying boldly through this thick.
Thickness of life is nothing but its liveliness, its fun, its ups and thins are the downs. I have sailed through thins sometimes; most recent was my final year at IITD (probably this thin is still continuing itself), but whenever I came out of those thins I always felt that was no thin, it was I who was thinking it was a thin. Life’s always thick and yumm, it’s only my attitude which makes it appear thinner than usual and as soon as I am out of that attitude, I start enjoying its thickness with all the boldness that I have.
I will be 25 next year and less than hopefully quarter of my life has passed. I am hoping to live more than 100, may be too optimistic a target but I brush my teeth everyday, and exercise (almost) daily and other such usual things. It was only after 22 that I started looking for a direction. I was only curious to know what I will do for rest of my life. Grow up two kids, but this exercise will end in 20-25 years; another 25 years passed, what about rest 50? So that alone will not suffice. I started looking for an ideal for myself like Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, my mother or Atal Bihari Vajpayee. But none had it all. I used to feel very bad about it. It was bad that I had no ideal to follow, which means no lessons to be learnt, no standards to be set. And suddenly I came across the very legend of our times (to be continued …)
Thickness of life is nothing but its liveliness, its fun, its ups and thins are the downs. I have sailed through thins sometimes; most recent was my final year at IITD (probably this thin is still continuing itself), but whenever I came out of those thins I always felt that was no thin, it was I who was thinking it was a thin. Life’s always thick and yumm, it’s only my attitude which makes it appear thinner than usual and as soon as I am out of that attitude, I start enjoying its thickness with all the boldness that I have.
I will be 25 next year and less than hopefully quarter of my life has passed. I am hoping to live more than 100, may be too optimistic a target but I brush my teeth everyday, and exercise (almost) daily and other such usual things. It was only after 22 that I started looking for a direction. I was only curious to know what I will do for rest of my life. Grow up two kids, but this exercise will end in 20-25 years; another 25 years passed, what about rest 50? So that alone will not suffice. I started looking for an ideal for myself like Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, my mother or Atal Bihari Vajpayee. But none had it all. I used to feel very bad about it. It was bad that I had no ideal to follow, which means no lessons to be learnt, no standards to be set. And suddenly I came across the very legend of our times (to be continued …)
Monday, September 8, 2008
Leaving
Leaving has always been troublesome for me. I am too nervous to leave anything. Nervous may not be of rightest use here, but I feel sick when I am leaving some things, I am not sure whether it is something or anything. I mean, it could be that I feel sick whenever I am leaving anything. I really don't know, this habot of mine could some psychological disorder, who knows? Example in case is my last day at IRL. Tomorrow it is and I am already feeling flies in my stomach and not butterflies because I am not liking it. It means a lot of things to me, both good and bad.
Good ones first, in fact good one is the only one and most important one. I want to see what I want.
I am in a very comfortable position; I have no responsibilities to fetch, i mean kids, husband, his family, food, servants, house, house tax, electricity bill, (I have telephone bill though) etc etc. I know I will get a good job any time I want. This surety is more to do with the current trends and position of Indian economy. We have so much opportunities these days that we need not worry about our everyday butter and bread, at least not us who have studied in expensive public schools, read expensive books (all academic in my case), got best coaching classes available and got admission to a good engineering college. (This story is most typical of most of us. I mean everything same, DITTTO) But bread is worrisome only for few Indians may be a farmer who is soon to commit suicide because he knows his family will get at least the compensation amount or the rag picker kid who is happy but in shambles and has to listen to scolding of almost everybody other than a rag picker and that too of an age strictly younger than him/her. (Surprising enough these "few" Indians and many more like them account for more than 75% of our population.)
Though you need not worry much about him, the rag picker kid because he hears to these abuses from one ear and let them go through his luckier second one within a gap of few nanoseconds; what you need to worry about is what do you want? Do you want to turn a deaf ear to these screaming realities of India as she stands today or do you want to simply enjoy the opportunities that are being offered to you? As a matter of fact, India is not only a home of many so called (totally superficial as far as I know) techies but at the same time home to world's largest pool of unskilled human resource; our economy mostly consists of (93% of it) unorganized sector; still more than 60% people live in rural areas where they are denied basic amenities like drinking water and sanitation, not to talk about the huge population living in slums. Rural India stands where they were before independence except some (very few) regions like Punjab and Haryana which benefited themselves with the fruits of green revolution.
Same money lenders, same crop failures, same lack of infrastructure, same poverty, illiteracy, ignorance, superstitions. It is a problem for us as well because we are more capable of dealing with it, we have all the tools, all the implements with us; we only need to go forward and apply them; what is required is we ask ourselves what we want and it is very daring to ask this very truth, what is that I want. But I am sure it is less daring than leaving things like having a TT table at your work place, having a coffee machine standing upright by the side of a newspaper stand, both of them always willing to serve you when you come out of your grAnd cubicle for a dingy break, an AC all the time specially in this mostly hot and occasionally humid climate of Delhi, talking long hours with your colleagues about nothing and many many more such things. I don't think it is much daring to leave these things. What do you thinnk??
Good ones first, in fact good one is the only one and most important one. I want to see what I want.
I am in a very comfortable position; I have no responsibilities to fetch, i mean kids, husband, his family, food, servants, house, house tax, electricity bill, (I have telephone bill though) etc etc. I know I will get a good job any time I want. This surety is more to do with the current trends and position of Indian economy. We have so much opportunities these days that we need not worry about our everyday butter and bread, at least not us who have studied in expensive public schools, read expensive books (all academic in my case), got best coaching classes available and got admission to a good engineering college. (This story is most typical of most of us. I mean everything same, DITTTO) But bread is worrisome only for few Indians may be a farmer who is soon to commit suicide because he knows his family will get at least the compensation amount or the rag picker kid who is happy but in shambles and has to listen to scolding of almost everybody other than a rag picker and that too of an age strictly younger than him/her. (Surprising enough these "few" Indians and many more like them account for more than 75% of our population.)
Though you need not worry much about him, the rag picker kid because he hears to these abuses from one ear and let them go through his luckier second one within a gap of few nanoseconds; what you need to worry about is what do you want? Do you want to turn a deaf ear to these screaming realities of India as she stands today or do you want to simply enjoy the opportunities that are being offered to you? As a matter of fact, India is not only a home of many so called (totally superficial as far as I know) techies but at the same time home to world's largest pool of unskilled human resource; our economy mostly consists of (93% of it) unorganized sector; still more than 60% people live in rural areas where they are denied basic amenities like drinking water and sanitation, not to talk about the huge population living in slums. Rural India stands where they were before independence except some (very few) regions like Punjab and Haryana which benefited themselves with the fruits of green revolution.
Same money lenders, same crop failures, same lack of infrastructure, same poverty, illiteracy, ignorance, superstitions. It is a problem for us as well because we are more capable of dealing with it, we have all the tools, all the implements with us; we only need to go forward and apply them; what is required is we ask ourselves what we want and it is very daring to ask this very truth, what is that I want. But I am sure it is less daring than leaving things like having a TT table at your work place, having a coffee machine standing upright by the side of a newspaper stand, both of them always willing to serve you when you come out of your grAnd cubicle for a dingy break, an AC all the time specially in this mostly hot and occasionally humid climate of Delhi, talking long hours with your colleagues about nothing and many many more such things. I don't think it is much daring to leave these things. What do you thinnk??
Monday, August 25, 2008
Why complicate?
I agree the story we just read was a complicated one, difficult to understand. It's the same way we complicate our lives and hence like any other blog this blog is turning into my private shout box! tan tadan! Welcome to my shouts in this post, if at all you are reading; otherwise it does not matter because I am writing for the sake of writing it out! Back to complications; sometimes we go so much deep into our lives that we start losing where we are, we start loosing our way, it does not remain a way anymore it becomes a hey way and you don't know, y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f s i m p l y n o w h e r e.
The problem is you are going deep into your life and not yourself, i repeat Your Life and not Yourself. Is there really a difference? Yes. Think of your life as a movie, you are merely a spectator when you are not seeing yourself, the moment you start seeing yourself you become a part of that movie; that is the point where you are not a spectator any more but have become the character in that movie, you will feel all punches that your character is getting on his head or his ass for that matter, the kisses which your heroine is giving you every now and then, the pain you face when your younger brother has turned into a drug addict or all other such nonsenses; the irony is, nobody is watching this bloody movie; reason: everybody is watching their own bloody movies. OK OK. I see I am complicating it again, but the very simple fact that I am trying to convey is watch this movie like a movie don't get too much involved with it, or to put it simply: live like a simple human being don't attach yourself too much to whatever is happening around you. Think of your self to be the static part of this movie, don't float with the movie; retain your static self, see the movie moving. Remember you are only a viewer, whatever is happening is happening to the character which is not you.
Let whatever happens happen, you do what you you can do; follow your simple aims, do whatever you feel is most doable for you without worrying much about what's happening to your character in this movie; in your own movie just be this spectator, ponder about the scenes, enjoy them but remember you are only a spectator. Choice is yours, do you want to be a character or a spectator? You can not not be the director for sure.
Now let us come back to the story we wrote. If the two colored balls are separate we should understand that they are kept separated deliberately and the reason only owner knows; remember that old lady who owns this store, what a beautiful lady she was, how gentle and elderly, anyways she kept them separately with care so that they don't mix with each other; she never allowed them to mix up, maybe because they may lose color and temper with each other's fine glossy looks, or probably she didn't want the trouble of separating the two colors later because she knows no one customer will buy both colors. I myself don't know what the reason was, how could the poor balls know, they can't understand what the lady says and even if they can, they can not ask her because lady does not understand their mute languages of gestures, those blinking of eyes after mixing or those sad faces due to not so mixing, remember? If the balls also understand the fact that they are kept separately due to some reason they don't know and also that the world they know is although limited to this close sack, there is a world outside, a bigger one of which they form only a small, minute part, then the balls should be happy looking at the other colored balls and the same colored balls and enjoy this very state of their own, be amazed at the glossiness of them all, amazed at the ways they are put so delicately and are so much cared about by the lady that they are the same separated for such a long time, be proud of the fact that they belong to this mighty bag so that they got at least the chance of seeing each other. (They can be happy, proud and amazed for many such silly sounding reasons, sitting in front of my laptop I am only contemplating some.)
At the same time they should do what they can and do it to their best; things like maintaining their shine by being happy all the time, by wishing each other good luck when the other one is removed from the sack or giving happy gestures to a new comer ball or teaching a new comer ball how to behave like a ball inside a sack and many things like that. (again contemplating, of course I don't know what all balls of a sack think). They can be the best balls in their own little movies and follow their own small aims without worrying much about things which are not in their control.
The problem is you are going deep into your life and not yourself, i repeat Your Life and not Yourself. Is there really a difference? Yes. Think of your life as a movie, you are merely a spectator when you are not seeing yourself, the moment you start seeing yourself you become a part of that movie; that is the point where you are not a spectator any more but have become the character in that movie, you will feel all punches that your character is getting on his head or his ass for that matter, the kisses which your heroine is giving you every now and then, the pain you face when your younger brother has turned into a drug addict or all other such nonsenses; the irony is, nobody is watching this bloody movie; reason: everybody is watching their own bloody movies. OK OK. I see I am complicating it again, but the very simple fact that I am trying to convey is watch this movie like a movie don't get too much involved with it, or to put it simply: live like a simple human being don't attach yourself too much to whatever is happening around you. Think of your self to be the static part of this movie, don't float with the movie; retain your static self, see the movie moving. Remember you are only a viewer, whatever is happening is happening to the character which is not you.
Let whatever happens happen, you do what you you can do; follow your simple aims, do whatever you feel is most doable for you without worrying much about what's happening to your character in this movie; in your own movie just be this spectator, ponder about the scenes, enjoy them but remember you are only a spectator. Choice is yours, do you want to be a character or a spectator? You can not not be the director for sure.
Now let us come back to the story we wrote. If the two colored balls are separate we should understand that they are kept separated deliberately and the reason only owner knows; remember that old lady who owns this store, what a beautiful lady she was, how gentle and elderly, anyways she kept them separately with care so that they don't mix with each other; she never allowed them to mix up, maybe because they may lose color and temper with each other's fine glossy looks, or probably she didn't want the trouble of separating the two colors later because she knows no one customer will buy both colors. I myself don't know what the reason was, how could the poor balls know, they can't understand what the lady says and even if they can, they can not ask her because lady does not understand their mute languages of gestures, those blinking of eyes after mixing or those sad faces due to not so mixing, remember? If the balls also understand the fact that they are kept separately due to some reason they don't know and also that the world they know is although limited to this close sack, there is a world outside, a bigger one of which they form only a small, minute part, then the balls should be happy looking at the other colored balls and the same colored balls and enjoy this very state of their own, be amazed at the glossiness of them all, amazed at the ways they are put so delicately and are so much cared about by the lady that they are the same separated for such a long time, be proud of the fact that they belong to this mighty bag so that they got at least the chance of seeing each other. (They can be happy, proud and amazed for many such silly sounding reasons, sitting in front of my laptop I am only contemplating some.)
At the same time they should do what they can and do it to their best; things like maintaining their shine by being happy all the time, by wishing each other good luck when the other one is removed from the sack or giving happy gestures to a new comer ball or teaching a new comer ball how to behave like a ball inside a sack and many things like that. (again contemplating, of course I don't know what all balls of a sack think). They can be the best balls in their own little movies and follow their own small aims without worrying much about things which are not in their control.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Red and Black Balls
That's absolutely true, Red and Black Balls and it's not Red Balls and Black Balls. An extra 'Balls' create a lot of distance between the two and some times you start thinking probably they are in different bags. Even if they are in the same bag, it seems they are separate from each other as in red ones huddled in one corner, black ones in another and there is an invisible separation between the two, They could look snobbish, not ready to mix with one another; they could be skeptic as well; doubting each other, not willing to hug thinking the other ones might be more unwillingly silent. Obviously they can not speak, but still they could look happily mixed; tilting their round heads (they don't have anything other than this big round head, poor people; no face also, but still they can express their snobbishness, doubt etc by not mixing, similarly they can express there love, could you see that, by mixing with each other), sticking to each other, blinking their imaginary big heavily lid eyes which could smile to express their love and happiness.
Obviously they are not mixed and that's why we are worried. What could be the reason of this invisible separation? Are both unwilling? None of them are. Do they know how to mix? Probably they don't. When they were bought they were kept like this, very delicately, very sincerely into two separate groups (by the old wrinkled lady who managed the store since last 20 - 25 years and she had enough experience when she bought these balls) and their bag was never shaken to mix them. Both of them thought only some external action, some divine intervention can make them jump and mix. Both of them dream for that joy but still don't want to jump. Externally they are in touch because they are in the same bag; waiting to be mixed. To be continued ...
Obviously they are not mixed and that's why we are worried. What could be the reason of this invisible separation? Are both unwilling? None of them are. Do they know how to mix? Probably they don't. When they were bought they were kept like this, very delicately, very sincerely into two separate groups (by the old wrinkled lady who managed the store since last 20 - 25 years and she had enough experience when she bought these balls) and their bag was never shaken to mix them. Both of them thought only some external action, some divine intervention can make them jump and mix. Both of them dream for that joy but still don't want to jump. Externally they are in touch because they are in the same bag; waiting to be mixed. To be continued ...
Friday, July 4, 2008
about me
I am no different from more than six billion human beings living or for that matter many who existed at some time or the other. I am no different from the one who invented wheel and also the ones who keep inventing it again and again. I have all the potentials, all the drawbacks, all the noise and all the silence at the same time. I am no different. I am no different from these walls that you see, the sun that rises, the winds that blow, the water, the waves, the air that passes each of us thorough and through. I am them and they are me; so are you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)