Mamma

Actually wanted to title it "Meri Maa" from the song Taare Zameen Par. I watched this movie today again for a third time. It is simply amazing. There is this scene when Ishan's parents are departing, in a Qualis I think, leaving him in the boarding. This scene completely goes through my heart, a Hard strike right into my heart and through it, great shot! Hats off! I know there are many such heart touching scenes. But this one reminds me like many others I am sure, of my first day at hostel. I felt the same emptiness and nothingness when my family was leaving me at the hostel gate. My mom kept looking at me and I kept looking at her. Though we never talked about it but both of us know how we felt. When they were leaving, I just didn't want them to leave, I wanted to run and stop their car but I didn't, taking care of my "brave courageous kid" image. And after the car disappeared in dark, each step that I took to get into that unknown building was so heavy. I couldn't even lift my head up. But as soon as I reached reception area i was once again drawn into the excitement of a new place, new people, a completely unknown room mate, classes next day, list of freshers events and everything that I thoroughly enjoyed in every moment of that new life that I entered soon after.

But this nausea of leaving my mom still follows me everywhere. Just four months ago I went to write my IAS mains exam and like always mamma was there with me. On all 7 days of exams she would get up before I do, prepare my breakfast and lunch, pack some refreshments, a mattress and other essential things to stay at the exam center for the whole day, so that I can relax during the in between break time, can lose all worries and concentrate on the exam. She would never put any pressure for success, but would always ask me to relax and enjoy even in the hardest of my times. She always has her set of jokes ready for me to smile and to hug her and cuddle her with all my force. When I am worried, she will make me put my head in her lap, and that in front of six other examinees of my age and you know what it actually always helps. She does just so much and has never stopped all these 25 years. Yet she demands nothing, absolutely nothing.
Today also she will always quickly get up and will not let any of us move from our chairs when we are studying or our beds when we are ill or her lap when we are crying. She does so much.

Some of my friends keep telling me that I am an over protected / pampered child, that I should come out of this comfort zone and train myself with the real world. I agree but at the same time I feel so blessed, so fortunate for having her all the time. I really want to thank her for everything, e v e r y t h i n g. I am deeply sunk in her love and care. She doesn't even realize how precious she is and I can never thank her, never, for being like she is. Gratitude is an understatement.

One advice I want to give away for free and from my experience, just tell your parents how much you love them and do it right now because sometimes it gets really late when you realize you should have told them. I never told my father how much I love him. When I was in hostel, he once told me over phone that he thinks his children don't love him. I was too foolish at that time. I should have run home, hugged him, kissed him and told him "No Papa! I love you so much! You are the greatest greatest Dad ever!" I don't want that to happen in my mother's case, I want to love her, care for her as much as I can. And not just her, let all parents be loved and told softly, subtly, smilingly, shoutingly, cuddlingly or whichever way you find appropriate, how much we love them!

Butterflies

With the days
passing by
singing in silence
dancing in joy
in the seed
of emptiness lie
some small
butterflies

Looking at me
furling their wings
for me to see
and enjoy

But often I
close my eyes
from those little
butterflies
born of
the very emptiness
that I
often enjoy

And whenever I
close my eyes
from those little
butterflies
my eyes
are open ajar!?

The pair of glasses
The Kajal I put
All are useless
So are you!

You my stupid
useless eyes!
Can't just I
see my
butterflies?

I am in tears
begging my eyes
Let me see
my butterflies

A moment's silence
No reply

Then comes in
The Maestro Grand
And He's here
to stand by
and to open
my open eyes

All I do
is close my eyes
to see my those
butterflies

looking at me
furling their wings
for me to see
and enjoy!